just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
