I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
