Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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