If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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