you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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