I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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