thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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