we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I need to stop coming to work sober
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
