Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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