Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
