Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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