I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
