Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
love makes seman taste better
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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