3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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