I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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