Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
