no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
