I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
