Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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