Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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