when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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