My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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