I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
she pinky promised me she was 18
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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