thus making me awesome and them whores
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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