Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
