end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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