did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
