Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize