I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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