He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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