apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I will be naked everywhere
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
