apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
