I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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