also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
