I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
