Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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