I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
