just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
