420 ftw
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
