I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How does it feel to date your dad?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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