I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize