There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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