I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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