I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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