i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
