Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
we're chasing vodka with high fives
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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