Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize