Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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