Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
