the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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