Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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