I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
