I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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