Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
