My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
