i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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