I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
